SWEPT AWAY / ½* (R)

Swept Away / ½* (R)

By: Robyn Barnette

CAST:

Amber Leighton: Madonna

Giuseppe Esposito: Adriano Giannini

Tony Leighton: Bruce Greenwood

Marina: Jeanne Tripplehorn

Screen Gems presents a film written and directed by Guy Ritchie. Running time: 98 minutes. Rated R (for language and some sexuality/nudity).

I can't believe I actually saw this movie. "Swept Away" is as close as you can get to seeing the worst movie ever made, and still have something remaining on the screen to be considered one of the worst movies ever made. This movie is a pitiful and torturous embarrassment for everyone involved — including Madonna, who has once again proven what an awful actress she is. Madonna has established herself as a legend and cultural icon in the world of pop music; however, when it comes to acting, she brings a wonderful charisma and energy that makes any movie she stars in excruciating to watch. After seeing Madonna's performance in "Swept Away," I hope that this movie marks the end of her film career so that I don't ever see her act in another movie again.

You wouldn't know by watching "Swept Away" that this movie is a remake of a 1974 movie from director Lina Wertmüller titled "Swept Away...By An Unusual Destiny In The Blue Sea Of August." There is not one thing about this movie that should warrant any Madonna fan or any ordinary human being to see it. Not one thing at all. "Swept Away" is so horrible that I sat there wondering why in the world director Guy Ritchie bothered to waste his time and money making a movie such as this. Was it because he was married to Madonna and thought that this movie would serve as a great vanity project for her? Furthermore, "Swept Away" isn't just horrible — it is flat-out despicable. There is a substantial amount of verbal harassment throughout "Swept Away," as well as an unbelievable rape sequence that left a disgusting taste in my mouth. It is difficult to imagine anyone enjoying this movie.

"Swept Away" isn't really about anything....well, actually, it's about something, but does anyone really care what it's about anyway? Madonna portrays Amber Leighton, an obnoxious and mean-spirited bitch cruising from Greece to Italy on a luxury yacht with her wealthy husband Tony (Bruce Greenwood) and a few friends. She always complains about fish and takes her frustrations out on Giuseppe Esposito (Adriano Giannini), the yacht's fisherman and servant. When Giuseppe takes Amber out in an inflatable dinghy for a cave exploration, a thunderstorm unleashes its torrential fury upon the seas of the Mediterranean. Suddenly, Amber finds herself shipwrecked with Giuseppe on this deserted island, which has no phones, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury. And like Robinson Crusoe, the rest of this movie is as primitive as can be when the tables are turned and Giuseppe becomes the master, kicking Amber around and bullying her like the worthless piece of trash that she is.

There was one bright spot to "Swept Away," and it came about forty-five minutes after the movie started. During the scene where Giuseppe and Amber are searching for food in the sparkling blue waters off the deserted island, Giuseppe hurls an octopus at Amber. That's when the DVD began skipping on my IBM ThinkPad's DVD-ROM drive. At that point, I wanted to stop watching "Swept Away" and return the DVD to Blockbuster Video; however, my policy for any movie is to watch it in its entirety from the moment it begins until the closing credits. I took the DVD out of my ThinkPad and watched the rest of "Swept Away" on my DVD player across the room. The movie never got any better, and the last fifteen minutes where Amber and Giuseppe were falling in love made absolutely no sense. Watching "Swept Away" was one of the most dreadful and unpleasant experiences I have ever endured. I hated this movie.

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